I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did i walk over a car last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
