You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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