My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
