thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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