11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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