Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
