i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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