; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
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I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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