morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
