last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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