Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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