I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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