i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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