She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
