Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
