I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
