Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
