I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
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There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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