I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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