i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
