just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
