dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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