Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
