When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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