soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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