I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
