So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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