I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
