I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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