Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
