no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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