There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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