I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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