There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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