thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
