so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
