i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
