I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
