Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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