Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
