Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
