we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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