Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drake has all the answers
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
