After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
