shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
