I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
