I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
