Your mouth is God's brothel.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The adults are the big ones right?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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