Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
