How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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