Kiss
Puke
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
