When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
