Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
