Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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