I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I looked at my own cervix.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
