upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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