I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
