Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
